Author’s note: This conversation never occurred, but it certainly could have.
Trump: Hi, Ivanka. You’re looking really good today. Nice dress, but it would look even better if it were shorter and showed off those lovely legs of yours. If you got it, flaunt it, baby. Remember, you won’t look that way forever. Just look at your mother; talk about long in the tooth. But even Melania is getting a little old for me. Maybe after the 2020 election…
Ivanka: Thanks for the compliment, Daddy. But I didn’t want to discuss my appearance or my Mom. I want to know more about this Mueller thing.
Trump: There is no Mueller thing. His report is out exposing the Russian Hoax!
Ivanka: OK, but that’s not what they are saying on TV and in the newspapers. They are quoting parts of the report which clearly show that the Russians were undercutting our Presidential election and democracy. And, still are.
Trump: Come on. Who are you going to believe, my good buddy Putin (who told me Russia is innocent) or the CIA, FBI, NSA, and those other treasonous intelligence agencies?
Ivanka: What about what ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC are saying? They are quoting portions of the report that make you look guilty.
Trump: There’s only one news channel, Fox News. And, even then, don’t look at Chris Wallace that bum. Stick to Hannity and that guy with the funny tie who tries to imitate him. What’s his name?
Ivanka: But, what about the rest of the Mueller Report?
Trump: Totally exonerates me, just like my lawyer Bill Barr said. I really like that guy and he does whatever I say, just like he told me before I appointed him as my attorney. That darn slow talking cracker Sessions had some mistaken notion that the Constitution is more important than me. Wild!
Ivanka: Daddy, Barr’s not your lawyer. He’s the Attorney General of the USA. Anyway, Mueller got on TV and said that his Report doesn’t clear you. He said that he just could not indict you because DOJ policy prohibits it. He indicated that there was obstruction of justice by you, although he used a double negative to make it go down easier. He said in the Report that you wouldn’t answer questions, and neither would Don, Jr. and some others. The implication is that conspiracy could have been proven if they had all the evidence provided to them. But, there was obstruction.
Trump: Listen, the Report shows no collusion, no obstruction, no nothing. Just a total waste of time. This whole process was just a treasonous attack on my Presidency by vindictive Democrats.
Ivanka: But, Daddy, Mueller is a life-long Republican. It’s his report. And, that’s not what he said. He never ever even used the word “collusion.” He just said that he could not gather enough information to prove a “conspiracy” under the law.
Trump: Forget what you heard from that guy. He’s finished and needs to go away. And, no one is going to read that whole Report. Just listen to me and keep repeating: “no collusion, no obstruction.” My base believes anything I tell them; it doesn’t have to be true. So, what does it say, baby?
Ivanka: You’re totally innocent, of course. All of us will believe whatever you say that it says! MAGA, Daddy!
Trump: Right. After all, I’m President and what I say goes. Period. And, the heck with Congress, too. The Senate is controlled by the GOP and will ignore anything that I do, legal or not. They’ll never remove me. As long as Mitch stays scared of me primarying him from the right, it will stay that way.