Author note: This conversation between the Donald and his favorite child did not actually take place (to the best of my knowledge, anyway), but it well could have sometime in the past month or two.
Trump: I’m going to fire that little imp Sessions as soon as the mid-terms are over. I wanted him to can Mueller and take the heat. After all, the only reason I gave that elf the job was because he was loya,l and now he is just not defending me.
Ivanka: Daddy, I’m not too crazy about him either, but for different reasons. In any case, he is not your personal attorney. He is the Attorney General for the United States. He is the top lawyer for the country, not you personally.
Trump: Well, none of these lawyers are any darn good. I used to think Michael Cohen was like my son…Eric the goofy one, not Donald, Jr. I was going to pardon him for not talking, just like I am going to do for Manafort.
Ivanka: Ah, did you tell Cohen that? You haven’t said that to Jared and Manafort about the Trump Tower meetings with the Russians, have you? Dad, that’s obstruction, a crime.
Trump: I think Manafort and Jared have got to be smarter than Cohen. Couldn’t Michael Cohen figure out what I was hinting at when I pardoned Sheriff Joe? Am I the only sane genius? I thought Michael was going to be more like my mentor, Roy Cohen. After all, the Cohens have the same last name and religion.
Ivanka: Dad, Jared and I are Jewish. We are against all bigotry. You’re my father and I love you. Please do not go there.
Trump: What do you mean? I am the least bigoted person you have ever met! I just meant that Roy did some awful things, but he was smart like me and never admitted he did anything wrong, or that he was gay until he died of aids. That’s the way to do it, tell the rubes anything. The sheep will always follow a strongman. Roy’s boss, Joe McCarthy, would have been President, but the deep state got him.
Ivanka: Daddy, if you define the “deep state” as dedicated, non-political civil servants solely trying to do their jobs and keep the nation from becoming a dictatorship, then I guess you are correct. Let’s just change the subject.
Trump: Okay, but if it wasn’t for that Muslim Kenyan, none of this would be happening.
Ivanka: Daddy, I know you said that for many years, but I thought you finally admitted that Obama was born here and a Christian. After all, he produced a birth certificate after your constant prodding.
Trump: Well, I did eventually say he was born here, but the blacks still don’t like me. What’s not to like? And, I don’t care what those deep state guys at the State Department say. Blacks are killing all those white farmers in Africa, that ****hole. It’s got to be true, I heard it on Fox, the only channel that is not ‘’fake news.”
Ivanka: Dad, that is false and racist. Your tweets are becoming more frequent and hostile. Why? Are you worried that you might be impeached?
Trump: Whadda ya mean? I’m a sitting President, I can’t be impeached. Even if all those flippers (like my CFO Weisselberg, Cohen, and Pecker of the National Enquirer) give mean old Mueller incontrovertible evidence that I will say is fake news. I just hate those flippers. I will outlaw flipping when I take over Congress and the courts!
Ivanka: What? I think you have confused indictment with impeachment, and the House can impeach you and the Senate can remove you from office. You are not a King, Daddy.
Trump: No way! I’m not worried about that happening. I have those weak sisters Ryan and McConnell scared to death that I will tweet something about them being disloyal to me. My minions would skin them alive! That’s why Corker, Flake, and the others are retiring. My bullying works!
Ivanka: What if the Democrats take over the House and Senate?
Trump: My old friend Putin told me not to worry, he will take care of the mid-terms.
Ivanka: But, what if?
Trump: Well, then I have two options. I can either appoint Pence on the condition he pardons me, just like Nixon did with Ford (I sure liked Tricky Dick but hate he resigned). Or, I can just abolish the election results. As a sane genius, I will have to think about it and figure out what is best for me personally.
It is horrendous that our divisive, dishonest President has successfully divided our nation into tribes and stoked the flames of intolerance. It is even more concerning that he seems to have no idea how our “balance of powers” democracy functions.