Fayette County


Thack You:Death Tips – III

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack refuses to reconcile with his handyman

This is part three of a three-part series on death. This week includes tips for well-wishers who might wish to visit the home of the grieving victims.
As you know I’ve seen a lot of death in my time. Occasionally someone will die that I actually like and it is in those times I have observed the best and worst in people and how well-wishers and widow-types interact. Although I’ve probably avoided more funerals by cowering in my hovel than I’ve actually attended there is still some insight I’d like to share……
• Never ask a widow-type what you can do for him. You could end up on a ladder.
• Assure the grievers they will be in your “thoughts and prayers” but not on your lawn or driveway.
• Grievers are probably swamped with food, especially since that new Bojangles opened. Consider instead presenting the victims with framed Jesus art. Choose your Jesus carefully. These days he looks more like an action hero and less like a desert wanderer.
• If you’re helping out at the widow’s house there are several things you can do. Most helpful among these is emptying the dishwasher. Especially comforting to the widow is to hear her name repeatedly, as in “Judy, where does this bowl go? “Judy, is this an avocado scooper or a bubble blower?” “Judy, I broke the scouring pad on your cheese grater, where do you keep more?”
• A typical living room or porch area has four to six places to sit. The deceased and widow usually pick the two most obvious seats between these rooms. Well-wishers should not sit in these very obvious seats forcing the grievers to slump into a corner.
• Hovering around the widow is acceptable in these situations. They also appreciate being elbowed and breathed on.
• Give the widow’s house a “once-over” then say, “well, she’s definitely in a better place”.
• Do not encourage the grievers to take it one day at a time. They will end up missing dental appointments, solar eclipses, and forget to pay the mortgage. It’s best for the griever to lay out a calculated future of hopelessness now.
• Comfort food is always a welcome gift. Just ignore what I said earlier. The grievers care little about what treats are inside, just make sure it’s in a 14” x 10” aluminum tray that sags from the weight. It should take two hands and a knee to carry to the fridge.