I have decided to cease my bid for election to mayorship. I can never seem to figure out when the election is, and I don’t want to deal with the paperwork. Also, in a recent poll I took it seems clear that nobody even knows who the mayor is, and anonymity is not really my thing. I do still have several ideas that will help our community, and my plan is to foist these upon all of you without a top hat and title.
Our jails remain empty while criminals abound our town. A couple years ago we erroneously jailed one of our heroes, Richard Ross, for a variety of petty crimes. As mayor I would extend him an apology on behalf of the Settlement of Fayette County and a keychain to the city. The real crimes are much worse than kidnapping and battery. I have lately become more shocked and disgusted than usual by the litter in our town. Full meals are being consumed in vehicles and the putrid remains are deliberately dumped in parking lots. The crows tear at the plastic and Styrofoam, creating smaller pieces that spread all over. It pleases me to see that the criminals who left these remains will at least die painfully from cholesterol poisoning, but I want to be more present at their decline.
I have observed that most litter originates in handicapped parking spaces. This litter is also the most heinous: half-consumed drinks placed on the ground, full diapers, plated chicken wing meals leaving only the bones. Clearly these were not mistakes. I have further observed that many people parking in these handicapped spots do not display the blue placard required by law. These are true criminals and probably doing much worse beyond our witness. Clearly we can only solve this problem with despotism. Thanks to President Trump for his shining example. No longer will we wait for larger crimes to be committed, we shall imprison early, ahead of the crime. I shall appoint a task force to stake-out parking lots looking for this criminal behavior. When we see the combination of illegal parking and ruthless littering, it’ll be our duty to make sure the offender may now qualify for that handicap permit.
My candidacy is back on!