Thack You: Thrifty Thack
Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness

Thack You: Thrifty Thack

Larry Thack purchased some reading glasses for the eclipse

The fight between Mayweather and the Irish guy was top notch. A friend was kind enough to facetime it for me as I watched the grainy images buffering slowly. Alas, I now have a migraine from squinting at my phone for an hour, and my friend is in a sling after holding his phone up to the TV set all night. In this painful state I’ve realized the need to be less of a cheapskate.
Last week I let a rat in the house as I returned from the coin-laundry with my hands too full to close the door in time. By the middle of the week he’d invited some friends and I awoke every day to see my tomatoes chewed-upon. I should’ve called a pest guy but instead just put out some poison. Now the whole place smells like dead rat. That’s okay since I spend most of my time outside on my porch watching the deck rot.
On the decaying porch I must shield myself from the acorns that hurtle toward me this time of year. I’ve let the trees grow several stories above the house and even a two ounce nut falling from six stories can wound my fragile skin. I suppose I should call my tree guy. This is money I really hate spending, but my tree guy is the cheapest in town. He only takes cash and has oddly changed his name twice since we first met just a few years ago. I should probably google him.
The gutters are full of leaves and compost from the trees but I can’t call my gutter guy. The price is right but last time he had his pregnant wife on the roof with a rake. I waited an appropriate amount of time for his wife to give birth and start the child on its modeling career, but my gutter guy had lost his work ethic by then and left the gutter remains on my chair and in my drink. Now he smugly drives around town with one of those “my kid’s an honor student” bumper stickers.
My handyman has now painted three quarters of the house since 2011. He’s slow but he’s cheap. He used the wrong caulk on the windows he “re-did” and it has never hardened. Whatever he used it seems to foster and appreciate mildew. I think it might be toothpaste.