Larry Thack just watched his missing plastic chair go up in flames on the TV news.

Last week I was honored with a fine statue currently sinking into the Old Courthouse lawn. I was overcome with emotion that day and was unable to finish my acceptance speech. Actually, I had just figured out what that pretentious barista at Gremlin Growlers said to me and had to leave immediately and give him a slap of my glove.
Here’s the speech I meant to give:
“Good day. As you would assume, I have prepared from youth for this honor. As a young man, mother taught me her three guiding principles: look like a statue, dress like a statue, and act like a statue. Just as with this marble likeness that lurks beside us, my own face was hammered and chiseled into the dour display you see before you. Father Thack had plenty of advice but was a bit of a mumbler and I rarely found the crux.  It is my hope that this statue will serve two goals for the county. Firstly, that it serve as a reminder that should I one day die, that all men, women, and children may come together and do so precious little for their community. But more importantly that it serve to cover a modestly-sized bare spot on the courthouse lawn where grass will never grow. The sod you guys just put down is very nice – I’ll give it six months and then you’re back to spreading pine straw.”