My rise to power has ended. Before it comes out in the tabloids, I thought I should level with all of you – my dear supplicants.
As you know, the feud between Fayetteville and Hapeville has been simmering for years. Many politicians have tried to fix this behind the scenes with varied success. Over the summer we negotiated a deal in which Hapeville would take those panhandlers that wandered up and down Highway 85 telling long, depressing stories ultimately ending in a hustle. Our streets are clean now but we had to take on one of their “vehicle break-in crews.” This trade has effectively worked well as there’s no human interaction with the break-ins. Also, anyone who doesn’t keep his car in a garage is a peasant and a fool.
So, it appears that you need to actually hold an office before you make any underhanded deals. I am guilty of my own ambition to better our commonwealth. My crime is thus: I negotiated a deal with Hapeville Mayor A. Hallman to exchange one of his building contractors that erects flammable apartment complexes for our two best thrift stores, the world’s longest courthouse bench, and Ben Nelms. Here’s the kicker, we also get the Truett Cathy statue. Who among us wouldn’t make that trade?!
We’ve been pretending to be the hometown of Chicken-filet for years, and we need that statue! How embarrassing it is when I have visitors from afar and I have to go all the way to Hapeville just to show them the statue. Once, one of my guests was so taken with the town they planned a return trip the next day – it was humiliating. And meanwhile look at Fayetteville – we don’t even have bums on our main drag anymore. I guess I could show them the gilded lions in front of the world headquarters for “This is it Barbecue,” but the homophobic billionaire is much cooler.

Larry Thack to the wrongly accused and imprisoned: “I Doubt It”