Larry Thack’s seminar on “Proper Groveling” for ethnic defendants has been postponed pending a plea agreement

With Thanksgiving and Christmas upon us, business is booming at Thack’s Holiday Shoppe. Most of my items are designed to service the threat of holiday visitors. With a little help you’ll keep your things “right where you want them,” avoid nephews getting under your skin, and win political arguments.
One of my hottest items is a pair of fake hearing aids. They look just like the real thing but are larger and more visible, regardless of hairstyle. The tiny hearing aids cost a few hundred dollars and of course, like everything else, they don’t work anyway. This large box strapped to one’s skull clearly indicates the need for everyone to simply speak up. Just $9.
Most of us can agree that we’ve wasted a large portion of our lives searching for the expiration dates on food items. These dates are small, never in a consistent place, and sometimes coded confusingly. Some years ago I changed my policy to just smelling things before consuming and stop wasting all this time. A couple times a year though visitors will pass through and complain about all of my expired items and make smart remarks. For $6 I sell an “expiration date corrector kit.” This just boldly stamps a future date in a prominent place that prevents guests from searching for the real date. I also sell Sharpies if you just want to mark through the old date entirely.
Every home needs a clock that ticks sharply and loudly. It fills the room between conversations and improves the level of anxiety in the room to high. $11.
“Don’t Touch” signs are $5 for a pack of 12. You’ll need these for the thermostat, bath towels, gourd collection, and the answering machine. When everyone’s gone and you count precisely one hundred Scrabble tiles you’ll be quite pleased with this purchase.
At no charge I provide a “discomfort docket,” a handy checklist to help you attend to your visitors. You don’t want your guests getting too comfortable so you need to get your stories straight. This agenda divides your strategy into two categories: things you don’t have and things that are broken. I would recommend not having any ice on hand or knowing the wifi password. You certainly need to hide all your ottomans and sharp knives. The shower should not work when any other water is being used, and anyone who puts something in the garbage disposal will be in big trouble. Numerous chairs will be marked unsuitable for sitting – that can go in the “broken” column.
Also we have a fully-stocked “Make America Great Again” merchandise section so…..