Fayette County


Thack You: Summer Job

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack chews his antidepressants.

Every summer my brother and sister ship their children to me as a vacation for themselves and that I might teach these dears a little more about the harshness of life. There are five scoundrels between my two siblings, and it makes for a crowded house that seems to increase the hump in my back. My grocery bill has also skyrocketed and the children are starting to notice the mulch I put in the meatloaf to stretch it a bit. After two weeks of their supplementing what I feed them with visits to Chicfila, their savings are dwindling and now the search is on for a summer job.
They are an industrious lot and will be good at many jobs. They seemingly do not move from their spots on the sofas but always manage to leave socks and shoes in an artful tapestry. They cook taquitos and bake skittles. They pile wet towels that were soiled at a private pool. They park on the lawn. They are constantly running from bees. They stay busy.
After giving their social security numbers to all of the town’s pizza places they then failed these bizarre psychological questionnaires given by employers which seem to accuse the applicant of stealing, giving the finger to customers, and abruptly leaving work due to a spontaneity defect. All of this has gotten too complicated, and they’re using up my wi-fi, so I’ve decided to teach them a trade instead.
As a young man on a gap year I hiked from Showdykiln to London with only a crust of bread. I was taken in by a group of orphans who taught me to dig through rubbish bins for lotto tickets and pickpocket the handkerchiefs of gentlemen. Farmers markets and Megachurches are great places to seek out handkerchiefs. Our first day we extracted enough of the fine cloth to sell as a lot on ebay. We hit the convenience store trashes at twilight before they gather up the trashes. We’ll begin the scratching after a nice meal of Welsh Rarebit.
I think things are going swimmingly and they’ve all been coached not to “peach” on me, nevertheless they’ve begun memorizing Bible verses in preparation for an interview at ChicFila.