One of my favorite trends in our country today is the process of being ashamed by our heritage and dismantling it. As such, I am organizing a bus tour through the Fayette County recreation department to attend various statue removals and street sign changes throughout the South.
In July we will travel to Woodbury to witness the beheading of General PT Weiss who attacked a retreating Union brigade after the conclusion of the war in one last effort to continue his life of malnourishment and despair rather than return to his home and family. In August we will visit the hometown of another sadist, Major Hiram Gould, who in a cowardly fashion recruited people from his own town in order to defend that town against people from the Northern United States who were trying to kill them. I shall be proud to pull the statue down myself. In September we’ll learn to use our cell phones.
By October there won’t be any Confederate edifices left so we’ll charter a bus north of the Mason-Dixon Line and grouch our way across enemy lines into Pennsylvania where we’ll marvel at the diversity envisioned by President Lincoln.
Not all statues are coming down mind you. In November we shall plan a trip to New Jersey to christen a statue for Union General Elliot Patel who bravely aligned his troops behind a barricade of slaves before his honorable retreat.
In the Spring we will plan to change all the offensive street signs throughout the South. I can no longer direct out-of-towners to the Dairy Queen on Hidden Lyncher’s Lane.