Larry Thack is suicidal but would much rather yourself be dead

I have come down with another deadly malady but am as of now unable to diagnose it. There are some cold symptoms, some flu symptoms, it feels like I ran a 5k, and I lack the energy to be hostile towards the TV set. I just sit there wearily allowing the newsmen to report today’s events without any argument or rebuttal. I tried to wag my finger at the corrupt weather girl but it fell back to the sofa and melted into a crack.
Everyone knows the wisdom in following wives tales for medical advice, but in this case I’m not sure whether I should feed a cold or starve a fever. Of course you’re thinking I could simply take my temperature, but I broke all my thermometers years ago in order to use the mercury for some DIY dental work. It’s not safe to gamble with the “starve or feed” maxim so I figure I’ll just throw myself down the basement stairs. That’s a successful Thack home remedy that’s worked for generations. By the time I reawaken I’ll be full of beans and vinegar.
This old Thack remedy has failed due to inconvenient timing. I know better than to throw myself down the stairs in January. Apparently my new insurance company is no longer accepted by my regular doctor. No matter, there are other ways to get good healthcare. My first resort is to order a pizza. You wave a bag of medical marijuana in front of a pizza boy and you can get anything from boil removal to basic bloodwork. My second and last resort is patience. Painful scar tissue builds up in my wounds but it’s something to talk about.