Fayette County News

Fayette County


Thack You: Rick Ross’s bad house guests

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack unwittingly switched his yoga mat with someone’s prayer rug at the bus stop

Following the pretrial hearing last week for Fayette County artist and hero, Rick Ross, I sat down with the genius to get to the bottom of this whole thing.
Zamudio and Ceceras, the two men who were allegedly kidnapped by Ross and bodyguard, DJ “Gutter Glitter” James, were apparently the worst house guests imaginable. Ross and James laid out for me just how bad these two were at exploiting the kindness of their hosts.
Ross turned away from me as if he were in a confessional to describe the events of one summer evening when Ceceras was found eating Ross’s last yogurt cup while wearing his favorite velvet tracksuit. As a glob of Fage dropped into the suit’s front chest pocket, Ceceras complained that the suit was “much too large” for him. Ross tells me he locked himself in the bathroom for hours that night, so upset was he at the insensitive remark.
According to Ross’s housecleaner, Marilyn “Buzzard Dust” Rutledge, there are nearly 35 doors in the Ross mansion, and Mr. Zamudio would routinely leave all of them open.
“One night we had to shut down the power to the entire estate to keep the moths from coming in,” explained Rutledge.
Ross showed me a picture of a hole in his living room made by Ceceras one morning.
“After eating a slice of cake from the fridge as he did most mornings, Ceceras would lie on the sofa and watch Sportscenter all morning. This morning there was no cake but he did manage to drink a can of Pringles, spreading chip-dust all over my suede sofa. He got really rankled when he couldn’t work the remote and it was stuck on the Food Network.”
His tantrum and cries for help with the remote could be heard throughout the 109-room estate according to Ross. It is believed that the hole was created by Ceceras’ skull when he realized no help was coming.
One day Ross had picked up his last wet towel from the dining room floor and had seemingly had enough. This case looks pretty clear.