Fayette County


Thack You: Pinewood, GA 30214

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack’s window washer has an enormous ego yet still manages to bum money

Hooray for Pinewood! Perhaps you’ve heard about the Pinewood company’s request to have the post office change the mailing address for its little corner of the county. I think a new name for that “area” is long overdue. In fact, all the towns in this county are due for name changes.
Hip, young millennials don’t want to move to Tyrone. Artsy types, which are the lifeblood of the film industry, wouldn’t be imprisoned in some town called Fayetteville. As that guy who works for Pinewood said at some meeting the other night, “We’ve found we’re not very cool at all”. Of course not!
If I were a 25-year-old transgender visual artist I couldn’t bear to see the smiles on the faces of my parents when I tell them I’m moving to Peachtree City to take a steady job. I’ve worked too hard annoying them since I was a preteen.
I am proposing that we change the names of all the communities within the county to get a little more with the times. It’s really quite normal – nobody calls New York City “New Amsterdam” or Atlanta “Terminus.” How do you think Roanoke, Virginia would feel if it were still called “Big Lick”? Let’s start with Tyrone. Maybe that was a popular Irish name back when we still threw potatoes at them but let’s try “Siobahn.” Millenials love absurd and pretentious things, and the spelling of what is phonetically She-vaun is perfectly suitable. Peachtree City should merely be known as “City.” It perfectly matches the bizarrely missplaced haughtiness of its inhabitants and is catchier than “Stepford,” which is what we all call it anyway – am I right? Fayetteville must remain the same since it’s the county seat and I just got a few sheets of those free return address stickers from AARP.