Fayette County News

Fayette County

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Thack You: Oy, with the Girl Scout Cookies Again

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack is the author of “Chicken Soup for the Boxed Wine Drinker’s Soul”

The other day while exiting a local retail store I was ambushed by a Girl Scout peddling cookies. The wave of dread one feels upon realizing that a social standoff is likely to occur in the next few seconds is indescribably delightful. I used to come to these fights unprepared, but now I have a list.
Like the shrapnel lodged in my neck, I have burned this list of “Reasons I Cannot Buy Your Cookies” into my brain for all ensuing battles with whatever troop of scouts I might encounter:
• Sorry, they make my mouth bleed.
• I used to date Juliette Gordon Low- the cookies provoke bad memories.
• What’s your return policy?
• I’ll take a box if I can bum a cigarette.
• Fox News told me not to buy cookies from you.
• I promised myself no indulgences ‘til they investigate the 911 call center
• Last time I didn’t get a receipt.
• I’m under contract with Lorna Doone.
• Cookies give me foot hives.
• No thanks, I just ate.
• Is there weed in them? …..Then, no
So jk and lol girls! Keep selling your poison to the fools.