Larry Thack appreciates your pity

Unless you’re young and spry with a hopefulness and sunny outlook that belies the doom of old age, you’re probably familiar with the adult nutritional drink Ensure. If not for medical marijuana I’d say it’s the top-consumed product by seniors in the country. We mix it with Geritol in our smoothies, it’s a key ingredient in our quiches that slide so smoothly past our gums, and we pound them straight down doing our best impression of Festus from “Gunsmoke.” But there’s something inexplicably odd about the product. On the side of every bottle is labeled “Not for sale in Vietnam or Mexico.”
Upon firstly noticing this I spit the liquid off of the front porch I was sitting on as my mind grew wild with the possible dangers of the drink. As Americans we tend to poison ourselves pretty regularly, so what is it that these countries with advanced nutrition scientists seem to have found wrong with the drink? I went to Abbot Labs, the company behind Ensure, to get to the bottom of this. According to a spokeswoman, the Labs employs a consulting firm to keep the product in line with senior culture and attitudes. This firm has a five-senior committee of cranky, frustrated, gaunt, hunched-over grouches, and an additional two members who act like the happy seniors on the commercials. I was assured that Vietnam and Mexico find nothing wrong with Ensure, but that the senior committee has banned its sale to them based on a series of grudges. From a JCPenney shipment of shawls and sweaters deemed “too scratchy” to being repeatedly served the traditional Vietnamese soup, Pho, with only chopsticks, this senior committee really has it in for Vietnam and is clearly showing its power. Also, seniors hate being chastised by millennials for not pronouncing Vietnam with a short “a.”
President Trump signed an executive order on day one to ban the sale of Ensure to Mexico. So, I guess that explains that.