Thack You: LT’s Holiday Fitness Plan
Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness

Thack You: LT’s Holiday Fitness Plan

Larry Thack is a longtime resident of Fayetteville but is residing in the Mom’s Attic of a U-Haul until they finish painting his kitchen.

Thanksgiving can be rough on a man as vain as myself. I am one of society’s “beautiful people” (see picture), and watching my figure during the holidays is a struggle. Rather than get caught in a situation where I can’t pass a mirror, I start a vigorous exercise program right after the great feast.
I have begun to organize kickball games at the senior center, and games will be held in the field next to Dairy Queen on Highway 85. There will also be touch football games in the Ingle’s parking lot, but I’ll only organize that one if I get to be all-time quarterback. I’m waiting to hear back from UPS regarding temporary holiday employment – brown is a slimming color and dropping boxes can be a real workout. I also recently purchased a Gazelle machine from a yard sale, and it has become a part of my daily ritual. I only buy fitness equipment from yard sales and only from the morbidly obese. This way I know the equipment has endured rigorous testing, but hasn’t been used that much.
Mall walking is also a great workout. It’s a bit of a hike to the nearest mall but once you’re there the threats of bulldozers and gangs keep you moving! I like to interval train at Southlake Mall. I wind briskly through the aisles at Sears and emerge slowly, recovering my breath until I make the turn at Macy’s. At this point I’ll climb the stairs with great vigor and scoff at the temptress at Great American Cookies as I race past. On a couple of occasions I’ve encountered trouble at Kid’s Foot Locker and had to high-tail it back down the stairs to escape the teens with their newborns, but this only adds to the workout. On the way out I’ll stop at Lids for a chat with manager and friend, Rye, a true modern day milliner.
By the time spring rolls around I’ll be able to fit nicely into my plus fours for a round of golf.