Larry Thack’s cuticles are receding

Christmas is all about tradition, which means you do the same thing every year because you thought it was pretty good the year before. Lack of ingenuity seems to result in what we call tradition. Given that, there are many traditions about which we’ve forgotten the origins. Nobody loves Christmas more than old LT, so here are a few of my favorites…..
The Christmas tree was originally developed by German imbeciles who brought trees inside their homes to keep them warm during the cold winters. Candles were added not as decorations but to heat the branches. Later, garland and decorations were added by the moronic peoples of Eastern Europe in the fifteenth century. These fools live on today and set up shop annually in vacant lots throughout the country selling these trees in need of warm homes. I have purchased many trees from these soft-skulls over the years.
The candy cane is indeed a religious symbol as the tired sermon assures us every year. However, it’s not some blood red stripes and “J” is for Jesus contrivance that your pastor would make you believe. It’s the bat of Krampus — the Alpine holiday devil! Legend says he leaves the candy canes behind for bad children. The parents are to use the canes as nostril hooks and caning sticks for the children.
The Christmas Pickle is a favorite of mine. A pickle ornament is hidden on the tree and the first child to find it gets an extra present. The ancient symbolism behind the pickle foretells the future of the parents who will only eat pickles in January due to crippling poverty.
Gift-giving is perhaps the most widely participated Christmas activity there ever has been. After all it’s history’s most popular unsustainable business model that involves promising its participants gifts and services primarily by gaining enrollees into the scheme rather than resulting in any real investment. That of course is only the origin of the scheme which has evolved brilliantly into an ironically sustainable tradition. This investment scheme pays off very well to the initial child investors but with age the rewards annually diminish as their investment undertaking increases.