Larry Thack’s nicotine gum is stuck in his beard

As I see it, nobody has more experience facing this cruel world day after day than me. As such I am embarking on a new career as a motivational speaker. I will be modifying some basketball coach’s advice for how to win games into what I call “Larry Thack’s 5 Pillars of Revenge.”

Pillar 1: Humility. While I agree that this character trait allows one to sneak up on an adversary and also keep his enemies closer, it can lead to some troubling results. Often I have witnessed my protégés crippled by generosity and empathy as a result of humility. A better path would be the proper balance of humility and narcissism. Sound impossible? Surely you’d agree I’ve been doing it for years.

Pillar 2: Passion. I’m going to sleep on that one.

Pillar 3: Unity. You can’t do anything in this life alone and that’s why I preach unity. Good communication is how you can keep the people you need to exploit within reach. My mother taught me a valuable lesson in conflict avoidance when she routinely said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” This advice left me a proper mute as a child. Now it routinely saves me time as I can store or “bottle up” any problems I have for an explosive meeting all at once. This methodology has mass appeal and I’ll be shooting up the list of who’s-who among facilitators very soon.

Pillar 4: Servanthood. Here we need to make those around us better. In other words, make them suck less. With everyone in this world so dismally inept, it takes just a little effort to achieve this.

Pillar 5: Thankfulness. The basketball coach misspelled this one. Cleary he meant “Thackfulness.” I will expand on this later during one of my talks. Preparation and having a point shall be secondary to just standing on a stage and speaking with conviction.