Fayette County News

Fayette County


Thack You: It is our bounden duty to panic

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack just lost his lucky quarter to the claw machine at Ingles

The blizzard and ice storm last week took its toll on us as a people and I for one spent Sunday morning cursing the heavens as I unloaded cans of Aqua-Net into the atmosphere. All afternoon I needlessly ran my parked car until it ran out of gas, then replenished my fire pit with coal, thusly filling the air with a sweet, protective layer of blackness. No longer can we exist with the terror of these ice storms.
I’m off to retrieve some melting agents. This is a dangerous task as all the radio channels have recommended against leaving the house due to the perils outside. Further, my cabinets cannot hold another expiring item but they must somehow make room for Rock-Salt?! Apparently the temperature will be below freezing for a while and I’ll need to fight back. I slipped and fell on the way to my car and flattened my favorite wool Derby. The milliner was closed due to the ice so it will be days before I can have it reblocked. Bleeding down the road I am stopped by a traffic jam at the donut place whose customer’s appetites are unaffected by the weather. Most stores appear to be closed but all restaurants are open and crowded. Limping into FoodTown I stumble on an orange cone someone has foolishly placed on an ice patch. A cart boy pries the cone from my ribs, supplies me with an icy cart, and sarcastically wishes me adieu as my Derby now looks like a beret. I swipe the hat from my skull and pierce it with my cane and once again scream to the heavens something about not liking my situation right now.
I made sure to fight back with a special ice-melting concoction of rock salt, shade-grown coffee, and genetically engineered soy. I have helpfully sprinkled this all over the county to help put an end to ice and of course, pretentiousness.
I think we need to make a stand! I have a new plan that involves three tenets: Admit, Enable, Embrace. There are too many of us who don’t believe that global warming is a real crisis. The first step is to admit that our generation of humankind can be responsible for warming the earth. Step two is taking the proper action to make our earth warmer. Simple daily actions can help if we band together: such as switching to incandescent, challenging your hot water heater to work harder, and leaving your computers with a brick on the “window” button. I’m not really sure where I was going with the third tenet.