Today I chopped off a pad of my finger. I cannot admit the truth – that I cut it slicing potatoes. Everyone knows of my devout racism against the Irish and I’d never live it down. Although if this is the price I pay for enjoying Notre Dame’s 3-30 pounding from Clem’s Son the other day then I’ll take it! Nevertheless I must devise a proper story for I cannot hide my comically huge finger bandage.
I closed it in my new laptop, an Apple MacBook Titanium Serrated Edge Pro. I’ve actually injured myself in a laptop – better not use the same story twice. Oh I know, there was a rat in my bowling ball……….This seems like the most enjoyable option. Silently shrugging off the disbelief of my friends when they hear my tale will fill my soulless heart with some sort of pleasing emotion.
Sometimes when I feed the squirrels I get a little too close to the one with cataracts. One day he is going to bite off my finger. Maybe I’ll just wait for this to happen and complain about it then. I take a lot of toys to the orphanage this time of year. It’s pretty believable that I would’ve slammed it in the trunk of my car while fumbling with my kindness.
Of course it’s always best to tell the truth so I’ll just say “I was drinking and…” That’s how I usually explain things anyway.
It took me a few weeks to figure out how to explain it. Surprisingly I came in contact with not one single person who asked me about it. My friends are either blind, stupid, egomaniacs, non-existent or all of these things.