Fayette County News

Fayette County


Thack You: I’m Falling for Fall

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack’s remake of “The Cannonball Run” entitled “Race War” will be showing at the Southside Theater in Fairburn through December

I must hasten out the door today to go for my walk. I have wasted all morning arguing over whether we shall use dynamite or bulldozers to remove the town statues with former councilman Oddo. Wait, I’m told he’s still a councilman. Anyway, if I don’t get going the school buses will overtake the roads and ruin my walk. The sight of these wheezing atrocities is nerve-wracking enough but worse still is when they stop to release their bacterial cargo onto my path. I have fully erred in taking such a late walk.
Fortunately my youthful alacrity will save the day. I weave and dart through my path like an Olympic Stroller. As I leap over a pile of leaves, my foot buckles and cracks on the uneven road below. I am lying in the road now, going in and out of consciousness.
I awaken some time later being poked with my very own cane by a pack of schoolchildren. I sneeze at them with what little energy I have left and they scatter away. Still, I am in the middle of the street with what feels like a broken spine, ribs, and thumbs. I manage to crawl ashore where I reach a signpost which I decide to ascend with a newfound strength. Upright now I clutch the signpost searching for assistance but realize that all my neighbors will be inside until the conclusion of “Judge Wapner.” Rapidly losing spinal fluid now I realize I only have time to make it home and summon an ambulance with my own industriousness as no help is coming. I lunge from tree to tree then roll like a swaddled infant across the street to my hovel. Safe now, I watch Wapner’s final remarks then telephone the authorities.
Minutes later I am back at my beloved hospital. The cheering crowd at the entrance to the ER parts to allow for my gurney but is still three-deep on both sides as it welcomes me in. Although the pain is intolerable I request to do the surgery “Civil War-Style” and they provide me with a leather shoe that’s kept in a sterile, medically safe bag. The taste of the shoe and the smell of formaldehyde takes me back. I can see that young soldier dying in the trench next to me. He took his own life after a vivid nightmare – compelled to eat dinner with a yankee family, horrified by the experience, he saw no future.
The surgery lasted five hours and was a complete success. They managed to glue my spine back together pretty quickly. The remainder of the surgery, I’m told, was spent marveling at how I’d somehow healed my own ribs and thumbs and might be able to do this on an outpatient thing.