Larry Thack is disappointed by homies flamin’ on his drip

I’m a bit of a celebrity here in town, but I still feel as if the public doesn’t know me that well. That’s why I’ve decided to start explaining who the real “Larry” is by means of bumper stickers.
I shall start with a “Yeti” sticker. Only a real nobody would lack this sticker. It explains that Larry is the kinda guy who will spend $400 on a plastic cooler then make sure everyone knows. Of course, I can’t afford a Yeti cooler but the sticker was only 12 bucks. I could probably afford one of their $40 coffee mugs. It’s a truly remarkable product: it claims to keep your coffee piping hot for several days. It only takes me 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee, but if I have a stroke or fall off the deck this could really prove to be useful.
So now I have the mug and the sticker and appear to be quite the Yeti Guy. I was stopped in the parking lot of Ingles by a man with one of those fluffy beards who asked how I like my Yeti cooler. I explained that I was working my way up to that and had just purchased the mug. He agreed that his coffee stays hot for weeks but that I really need to rush out and get the cooler. I must say I was a bit skeptical. I’ve never had a cooler fail me – even the Styrofoam ones from gas stations work fine, so what’s the big deal I asked? He explained that he is an impossible lightweight who cannot hold his liquor. The smallest amount of beer he can buy for his cooler will generally be floating in warm water before he’s halfway through it. How “blessed” he is to have the Yeti cooler which keeps him drinkin’ like a Presbyterian.
Upon returning sheepishly to my car with a Styrofoam cooler, I was approached by a man who was friendly yet puzzled. “What’s with the cooler?,” he asked. “Aren’t you a Yeti guy?” Before I could explain, he figured mine was stolen. “There’s a lot of that going on these days. That’s why I got a set of Yeti padlocks. They were $90 for the pair, but they stay locked for weeks.” He went on about some other items you can only get on the Yeti website as I stood there with only the squeak of my cooler as a rebuttal. “The cooler is great, but what you really need is the waterproof backpack” said he. I squeaked, “Why would I need that?” He told me of his childhood and how he was bullied. “Every day after school I was pitched into Lake Peachtree by some especially mean girls. Each night I would rewrite my lecture notes onto dry paper.” He confessed that he now has a son, who is also thrown daily into Lake Peachtree by the daughters of those girls. Thank God for his Yeti Panga Backpack ($299).