I shall do the right thing and tell you folks the truth about Perry Whitman, evil columnist for this paper. However, I find this is a difficult month to be a whistleblower.
That Doctor in China who warned of the Coranavirus was reprimanded and bullied by the government and later killed. I don’t wanna end up like him, but that’s China – surely I can defend honor and decency in the United States. Then again, Trump did fire Lt. Col. Vindman in a humiliating “episode.” If the embodiment of both the American Dream and the Boy Scouts of America can be fired for telling on the President then maybe I’ll keep my mouth shut.
Nonsense! I have found the courage and strength that can only come from my fictive existence!
Friends, Perry Whitman is a fraud. How dare the newspaper fire me for accidentally wiping out a village with a goat, while Mr. Whitman publicly admits to laying with women of ill repute and seeking the devil’s pills and nectars. Furthermore, I caught Mr. Whitman in our town brothel. He cheats at billiards, has a loud northern accent, and is generally unkind to my employees. For shame, Perry!
Having served my country as a whistleblower, the newspaper has kindly reinstalled me as the town ombudsman. I am only back conditionally and on probationary terms as they are requiring me to live in a halfway house (the Senior Center) and quote the Bible in weekly columns.
Since I don’t own a copy of the Bible, I decided to borrow one from the public elementary school next to the landfill. I was buzzed in by one of the school chaplains and led to the library. The librarian waved his Hogwarts wand at a trove of the numerous versions they had available to students. I selected a copy with a picture of George Burns on the cover and hurried home to start reading – well, only after joining the kids for prayer time.
Larry’s Bible quote du jour: Perverbs 5:15-17: “Drink water from your own cistern, your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.”
I couldn’t agree more.

Larry Thack has started a GoFundMe for Graffiti Pete’s defense fund