Larry Thack is going to the garage to huff some paint thinner

I awoke in a dismal state this morning. Initially I blamed my heartburn and indigestion on the taco feast I’d had the previous evening, but the foreign substance I had consumed was actually sacred Halloween candy.
Every year I get the cremains from last year’s offering out of the guest bedroom where I store them in a pillowcase. I will sample the candies to determine my favorite and to see how the new stuff stacks up against the old. The delight I experienced when chewing my first cube of Crandall’s Scented Gum as a boy was equaled last night – tastes like a clean kitchen! Then I tested some of the new stuff. I spat out the so-called “Milky Way” in disgust as the milk had congealed into a paste. Fortunately I had a couple horehound lozenges that erased the putrid taste in my mouth and made my liver feel a little better to boot.
Now let’s see what all the fuss is with this Snickers Bar. I can tell you there’s nothing fun about this fun-sized treat. My mouth poured with blood from the jagged nuts hidden inside the chocolate. The kids today seem to have a pretty ruthless sense of humor, and for that I shall insult each costume as the children sadly retreat from my lawn.
I shall go downtown now to tour the pumpkins rotting on our courthouse lawn. The annual disappointment I have in our youth population is present, to be sure. But at least they aren’t Baby Boomers -Am I right? God, what a joke that worthless group of entitled, hippie guttersnipe is.