Fayette County News

Fayette County


Thack You: Funeral Invitation

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack’s continuing education class on race, gender, and poverty is cancelled this week but he suggests just turning on NPR at any point in the day.

I have tennis elbow so bad right now I can’t straighten my right arm. As such that got me to thinking about my mortality and various funeral arrangements. I heard this week that Senator Colonel John McCain DDS requested that President Trump not attend his funeral and I thought that was mighty clever. Got me to thinking about all the folks I don’t want at my funeral.
First of all I’d prefer that Donald Trump also stay away from my funeral. Let’s face it, the man is just too good looking and would overshadow my event. As one of the world’s beautiful people (see picture) my vanity would not allow it. Also he’s a little depressing and would bring the mood down. The Oddo boys may come, but their hats must remain on. Anybody who has ever ridden a roadbike in city traffic can stay home. The word of the day guy next to Speedi-Pig doesn’t need to get all dressed up and leave his hippie artist colony for me. His fancy $5 words that he scribbles on that chalkboard have driven me to drink……and drive. Sara Jane Moore is a no, but Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme is a yes. There are to be no service dogs, tall guys with long hair, or people with a “carry permit.” Transgenders are welcome but Transcendentalists may not use the bathroom. I definitely don’t want Siri or Alexa showing up – they’ve practically driven me to the grave with their incompetence. My handyman Clint will not be invited. Councilpeople Steve Brown and Randy Ognio may attend on the grounds that they don’t hug anyone – except each other. Those bullies at Planet Fitness who constantly fat-shame me are not invited. No golf course pro-shop guys allowed! Except for Danny in Griffin and Don at Whitewater. The rest of you can eat a sleeve of Pinnacles.