It’s no fun going to oyster bars, bike rallies, and craft fairs alone, so I’ve posted this little bio of myself on ChristianMingle.com.
At 4’11” my withered and aging frame is well-tanned from a lifetime of hanging out in my yard smoking cigarettes and planning my next argument. I have more sleeveless shirts than years I’ve filed taxes. I eat and breathe with my mouth open. I wear reflective sunglasses. I am clearing my throat. I have a blue mustache with yellow highlights. I enjoy adultery and billiards. I once took a four year old for a ride on my motorcycle without a helmet – well, I had a helmet on. I makes excuses on the first tee. I was kicked out of Peachtree City for my yard chickens. I ride a purple Yamaha motorcycle when I’m not driving a minivan I stole from a former lover. I scream, “Can I get some service here?” at Hooters. I am clearing my throat. I have a counterfeit handicap placard holder and wouldn’t park anywhere else. I lick plates clean. I once threatened to kill a boy’s grandfather for the style of haircut he got. I keep a bandana in my back pocket. I can be seen on a street corner eating an apple with a pocketknife. I coached youth soccer ‘til they made me fill out a bunch of forms. I keep one of those sand-filled Tartan ashtrays on the dash of my van. I am clearing my throat. I use toothpicks for a prop. And remember ladies, all this takes place with a mustache on my face!
Oops! I just realized I still have one wife.