Inspired once again by the likes of presidential candidates Tom Cruz and Johnny Carson, I am renewing my interest in becoming the next mayor of the county and one day Governor of our province. Their inspirational moments on TV stir within me a patriotism that will one day manifest itself in the purchase of a mini flag.
So far I have introduced my energy policy with the four-pronged approach of using wind, solar, hillbillies, and “conservation.” Also I have called for the destruction of that superfluous stoplight on Highway 54 a few blocks from the courthouse. My supporters are growing and will soon be old enough to vote. As such, it is time to add to my list of campaign promises.
My first promise is to repeal Lee Greenwood’s song, “God Bless the USA.” We already have a national anthem Lee, and I’m just now getting the lyrics down.
I also pledge to end our reliance on foreign filmmakers. “Ant-man” sucked.
I promise to have a wall built between Peachtree City and Tyrone, and I further pledge that Peachtree City will pay for that wall.
I will also commit to end the public playing of that creepy music on Fridays at the Old Courthouse. It’s weird, friends! I’m driving by and need to roll down my windows to determine if it’s coming from another car or if, God forbid, the city is just piping it into the air as some sort of public service. And whose choice was “smooth jazz”?
I will offer Edward Snowden amnesty in our county. His motivations are patriotic and I think he can fix my Acer laptop.
Under my administration, Councilperson Steve Brown will be limited to one facebook post per day while any of the Oddos will be required to share all photos that include their hat collections.
As my forefathers have similarly done for generations, I pledge to put a halt to the Hood Avenue realignment construction right when it’s about three-quarters done. Half the lanes will be closed and no one will have a clue when it will be finished. Several workers will remain in the area during the hiatus period to stand around and glare at motorists.
Making promises is hard work, folks.
Larry Thack’s arthritis precludes him from shelling those miniature “fun-size” Snickers bars