Thack You: Bench Scarcity
Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness

Thack You: Bench Scarcity

Larry Thack’s children gave him a reverse mortgage for his birthday

If there’s one thing our county needs, other than more churches, it’s more benches.
Most communities have benches placed strategically so its citizens might stroll, rest, stroll, rest. Naysayers will point out that we do have the world’s longest courthouse bench, but it’s just one bench! By the time I make it all the way to the courthouse, I’ll actually turn into a bench.
Thankfully, some anonymous member of our community has installed the finest of all benches on the old courthouse lawn: a swinging bench. Granted, this new and glorious bench was foolishly placed in an area of our county where there’s already “bench-saturation” but I see it more as a means of raising “bench awareness.” So, well-done anonymous do-gooder.
You see folks I’ve been on a health kick lately, and my walking routine takes me from the donut shop near the square to the Mac-Donald’s then back up to Arby’s. There are no government provided benches on this route, and I find myself patronizing these eateries just to have a place to sit. This has led to all sorts of problems when I visit my germophobe doctor. If my conditions aren’t hyper they’re hypo, and his only solution is to get more exercise which is seemingly killing me due to our bench scarcity.
The other day I collapsed on one of the well-manicured lawns in our downtown area and used a political yard-sign for a backrest. It then hit me! If that tire guy can run for office and fulfill his dreams of pothole creation and a steady flow of business, then I too shall run for office with the support of the bench coalition.
So look for my name on lawns throughout the county and the ballot if I actually remember to sign up.