Larry Thack can’t decide whether to eat his dinner over the trashcan or the sink

There’s a lot of down time around the holidays. At least a couple extra days off for people to fatten themselves on holiday treats and sit around their homes. As such, it leads to an exploration of one’s flaws which results in New Year’s resolutions. I don’t exclude myself from this tradition.
I pledge to get up early every day in 2019…..and run my chainsaw. I will do all the other yard work I typically put off ’til the end of the day like blowing leaves and mowing the grass. This has already worked well and I’ve been celebrated daily by the howls of the neighborhood dogs. I haven’t felt such adoration from them since they wouldn’t shut up on New Year’s Eve as I lit the sky with my bounty of explosives.
I also promise to attend church regularly. The food pantry is pretty well-stocked but most of the town’s vagrants and skanks don’t have the means to travel to it. I’ll take all I want, but I’ll eat all I take.
I’ll stop buying fur coats this year. It’s really just too hot for them and I can’t wear them in the rain.
A priority for me is to stop using plastic. This may be achieved by dying as soon as possible.
I will continue to mentor children. Last year I called DFCS (Dept. of Family & Child Services) close to 30 times about the kids in my neighborhood. This year I’ll do more than just provide a name, address, and then hang up – I owe it to the kids.
I will stand up to the ills in society. First on my list is that slippery floor at Truett’s Luau. Why is it so slippery?!