My efforts to visit the town’s “Day Spa” failed to have a happy ending the other day due to the traffic jam caused by our bi-annual Christmas parade. I have numerous issues with these parades.
Christmas parades were originally held to usher in the shopping season and encourage people to rush into the stores after the parade. They’d get warm, do some shopping, and get assaulted by Santa. This is no longer the case as local retail at Christmas is virtually non-existent. Maybe it would be more appropriate to have the parade online.
For those of you who claim Christmas is a religious rather than an economic holiday, might I remind you that Fayette County is only eight percent Christian. (Lutherans don’t count as full Christian for their refusal to pitch in during the Crusades.) This holiday is racist and uninclusive! We might as well erect a statue that honors the hostess at Chili’s if we want to foster a climate of unwelcomefullness.
The boys at the invite-only barber shop say I should’ve seen the signs that were flashing on the square – those tacky, portable electro ones that are usually reserved for more important warnings like “accident ahead – multiple deaths.”
Well, I took a stroll down there to check it out, and I admit there was a warning, however it starts with “December 7th” and later flashes to the bit about a parade. If you speed by it with your eyes on the road as one should at our bustling village square you’ll likely not get the full message. I remember seeing it and figured it was just a warning for another imminent Japanese attack.

Larry Thack’s Christmas spirit was laced with fentanyl