Fayette County News

Fayette County


Thack You: A Note For The Mortician

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack celebrated “receipt day” at Chicken-Filet by rolling his eyes whenever someone lied that it was his “pleasure”

I have a few demands for my coffin. First I would prefer that it is an elaborate pine box. I’d like the inside to resemble a Sprint or Verizon store since that’s where I’ve killed some of my most pleasant times over the years.
I love the game we play there. First they act like my problem can only be solved “downtown” or at some other branch. Very often they’ll just ironically refer me to a phone number.
From the grave I would like to be exhumed whenever the new iphones are released at which time they could place promotional materials around the interior of the coffin. I’ll feel right at home!
Then when I make it clear that I’m not leaving the store without a solution, they begin the stalling process. This is where they appear to enter information into the computer but make no progress. Based on the questions they ask me, it seems we are always at step one.
If nature somehow causes my corpse to shift portside within my box, I’d like a selection of phone cases on display in my coffin. I’ll search the variety throughout eternity and still not find a suitable one. Just like in the store! This coffin might be heaven.
The solution is in sight. They know how to fix my problem and that involves selling me a new phone. Initially this seems like a bad idea, but the plan is astonishingly better than the one I have, so I’d be a fool not to select this option.
Maybe some earthly happenstance would shift me starboard in my crypt. On this side I would like a wide selection of Samsung cases. This would help me consider the paradoxes of life, such as “who would buy a Samsung phone?”
Alas I leave happy from the phone store with a little shopping bag. A new phone and plans for my funeral all in one stop. Some people plan their retirement, I do this.