Fayette County News

Fayette County

News

Thack You: Not a good 4th of July this Year

Larry Thack wishes to acknowledge and bewail your manifold sins and wickedness
Larry Thack just learned that dogs who trail behind their owners when out for a walk are abused

I am traveling to visit my sister this week in the breadbasket of our country, West Virginia, to visit some graves, watch the fireworks, have a photo shoot at a graveyard, and dedicate a new tomb-wing at our family graveyard. Celebrating the 4th of July holiday in Colonial West Virginia gives me a historical feeling and I shall dress appropriately. I must find my old tricorn hat and dust off the wool suit I keep under our porch light as a moth feeder.
Sadly it seems I have forgotten my pills and I must take a stroll to the village druggist for replacements, but first need to compile a list of my needs- I like to go to the druggist prepared. Not only with a list of my needs but also a description of the maladies for which I require the medicine and an anecdote to go along. Years ago I noticed a line forming behind me as I told my funny stories to the pharmacist and I try to keep adding to it to keep everyone entertained.
Let’s see, I take Losartan for high blood pressure but it works too well so I have to take Orvaten for low blood pressure to retain a pulse. I need Vitamin D supplements because I’m scared of the sun and Dr. Hammond’s Nerve Balm ‘cause I’m scared of my grandsons. I keep a bottle of Paregoric on me to ease my death anxiety and I take several varieties of Juice Plus pills because of testimonials by trusted heroes like OJ Simpson. Let’s not forget the lithium I need for mania, and a box of Chardonnay for hypomania. I should probably get some q-tips to treat my tooth decay.
I might also try to find a quaker gun while in town. I need to defend my fireworks-watching spot. One year the miner’s boys came down out of the hills and took my blanket. I laid in wet grass that night watching the show through tears.