Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.
Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.
Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups.
• The Stanford Tree – a dancing conifer of indeterminate species is the official mascot of Stanford Band and the unofficial mascot of Stanford University. I wouldn’t claim a dancing tree either. Imagine this “thing” on the football field. What kind of dancing does a tree do, anyway? Sway back and forth? I can’t think of a dance name it could do and win a football game. The jerk? The pony? The twist?
• Sycamore Sam – the happy forest animal costume of no particular species but looks like a blue fox or dog. Mascot of the Indiana State Sycamores. No one knows what this animal is but it just stays happy all the same. And why isn’t it a tree instead of some non-descriptive happy animal? The real match up should be the Stanford Tree vs. The Sycamore Tree. Now that would be a sight. Did they get into Dartmoth’s Keggy the Keg juice since one just dances around and the other one is happy all the time. Something’s not right about this.
• Terrible Swede – a costumed mascot of Bethany College in Kansas. Oh, so instead of putting the word ‘fighting’ in front of this mascot name, they use ‘terrible’. If I were a Swede, I’d be offended just like the Native Americans were opposed to using the their name and image for the Washington Redskins. What would Erik the Red or Leif Erickson’s ancestors say?
• Testudo – a costumed Diamondback Terrapin of the University of Maryland College Park. Unless they send in their female team who tend to grow larger, the male terrapins don’t stand a chance. Oh, and let me say, the females grow to about 7.5 inches to the male’s 5.1 inch size. Now there’s a BIG difference.
• Thresher – the threshing stone mascot of Bethel College. What is a threshing stone you ask? It’s a roller-like tool used for threshing wheat and pulled by horses. Horses! It needs horses to move it’s immovable self around. Ridiculous.
• Vixen – the mascot of Sweet Briar College. A female fox or a spiteful or quarrelsome woman. Boy, what if a male had come up with this mascot name – I can hear it now – “Misogynist”! I can’t see a bunch of women with these traits wanting to play football in the first place. They’d be arguing the ref’s calls all the time. Well, that’s how I see it. But I am just “Sexist”.
• WebstUR – the spider mascot of the Richmond spiders. Unless they are poisonous, I don’t see their threat.
• Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat – the married costumed mascots of the University of Arizona. So in love, they must be domesticated therefore, non-threatening. Give them twenty years of marriage and then see if they are more hostile on the field…or each other.
• WuShock – an anthropomorphic shock of wheat. Mascot of Wichita State University. Shocking!
Next week will be the last in the series. I found a few mascots that might prove powerful, because of their special characteristics, to actually take on an SEC mascot. Join me next week for my top choices.

Lee St. John, a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, is a No.1 Amazon ranked humorous author. Look for her on Facebook, Twitter (@LeeStJohnauthor), and her blog at www.leestjohnauthor.com. Her new release, “SHE’S A KEEPER! Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess” can be found on Amazon.com.