No Surprises Here: Part 2

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.
Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.
Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. In alphabetical order beginning last week, here are more examples:
Dooley: skeleton mascot for Emory University. Hey! Emory! Break a leg or an arm. You will.
Dusty: the Dust Devil mascot for Texas A&M International University. A dust devil is a strong, well-formed, and relatively short-lived whirlwind, ranging from small to large. Even large and strong it’s short-lived. Maybe some concern until half-time but only because you can’t see who is running the ball with all that dust. Tasmanian Devil? Now that would worry me. Chomp, chomp.
Dutch: the Flying Dutchman – a costumed mascot of Hope College. The Flying Dutchman is a legendary ghost ship that can never make port and is doomed to sail the oceans forever. Not worried one bit. It will never make it to the game.
The Explorer: mascot of La Salle University. Our Captain in the SEC has got this.
The Fighting Okra: name of the unofficial mascot of Delta State University since 1980s. Featured in David Letterman’s “Top Ten Worst Mascots List”. Do they think because they are slimy they are going to slip through our defenses? Not a chance.
Fighting Pickle: mascot of University of North Carolina School of the Arts. Oh, I get it now…just put the word FIGHTING in front of whatever and you think that makes you ruff, tuff, stuff. They are the ones that will be in a pickle.
The Friar: a costumed Dominican Friar of Providence College. He’s huddled on the field with last week’s Ohio Wesleyan’s Bishop trying to figure out a way to get the hell outta the contest.
Gaylord: Campbell University’s camel mascot – even-toed ungulate that bears distinctive fatty deposits known as “humps” on its back. Camels have been domesticated by humans for about 5000 years. They are used for riding and to carry things. I know they couldn’t use Cool Old Joe Camel, but wouldn’t it be nifty if they did at least for image? Gaylord just ain’t cuttin’ it.
Goldy the Gopher: mascot for University of Minnesota. They are nothing but pests. Our mascots have already read the Gopher Bait Guide. They can easily be manipulated.
Gompei: the bronzed head of a now deceased goat mascot at Worcester Polytechnic Institute. A dead mascot. No threat.
The Governor: mascot of Austin Peay University. We all know how conniving politicians can be but go ahead, scheme away…the SEC will out-wit you.
Grubby Grubstake: a miner mascot of South Dakota School of Mines and Technology. The only thing scary about this mascot is his pix ax and since there are no weapons allowed on the field, they’ll be kept in the dark about how tough we really are… without props.
Gus the Goose: costumed mascot of the Washington College Shoreman. I don’t see how in the world a wobbly goose, or even a gaggle of them, are going to threaten any of our mascots. Most of ours will just call them ‘lunch’.
Herbie Husker: the costumed mascot of the University of Nebraska. This mascot may come buttered, popped, salted, white, greasy, puffy or found in balls or singular kernels. No matter, this corn will be creamed!
More next week…

Lee St. John, a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, is a No.1 Amazon ranked humorous author. Look for her on Facebook, Twitter (@LeeStJohnauthor), and her blog at www.leestjohnauthor.com. Her new release, “SHE’S A KEEPER! Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess” can be found on Amazon.com.

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