Author’s note: I have no proof that Trump sings this song to Ivanka or had the conversation below with her, but he might have, allegedly.
Boy the strange way Pat Robertson prayed, Charlottesville Nazi murdered an innocent girl in a parade. White Nationalists like us we had it made, Those were the days! Didn’t need no welfare state, Tax cuts for the wealthy like me were great! Kept my phony tax returns secret without GOP debate. Those were the days! – Theme song to “All in the Trump Family”
Trump: There must be no tolerance for anti-Semitism. It must be condemned as evil. All those Americans killed in Pittsburgh, what a tragedy that they didn’t all have guns like the NRA wants.
Ivanka: Dad, let’s not discuss this subject. I’m Jewish, and that was the worst anti-Semitic mass murder in American history. Those innocent elderly religious people gunned down in their place of worship during a baby naming ceremony, unthinkable.
Trump: That’s right, and the mass media provoked it.
Trump: CNN keeps attacking me, causing really hard feelings with my followers. If CNN were more like FOX, this shooting would never have happened.
Ivanka: Daddy, how could you be so narcissistic and unfeeling? Do you ever care about anyone but yourself?
Trump: What do you mean? Some of my best friends were Jewish. Don’t you remember my buddy Roy Cohn? He was my mentor.
Ivanka: The Jewish people that I know are ashamed of Roy Cohen. He was Joe McCarthy’s right-hand man and persecuted many innocent, patriotic Jews, as well as others in a state-run inquisition. Why do you admire him?
Trump: Roy was one of the good ones. He taught me to win at all costs. You can lie, steal, whatever. As long as you don’t get caught, it’s all right. Just be tough and never give in. Like with my tax returns. Lie and say they will be released after the election and then just don’t do it.
Ivanka: Dad, your speech to the Future Farmers of America the day of the shooting was so empathetic. Why aren’t you like that all the time?
Trump: I had a great speech writer for that presentation, but I usually just speak without notes, from the heart.
Ivanka” That’s what worries me, Dad. The shooter didn’t like you and mistakenly thought you were a globalist, but your inflammatory rhetoric about immigration and the “caravan” certainly influenced how the far right is acting. Don’t you see the relationship? Your solution for churches and synagogues, armed guards, may be one part of the answer, but it certainly should not be the lynchpin of our plan to lessen armed attacks from what you call a “madman”, “wacko”.
Trump: Well, what do you think we should do?
Ivanka: For a start, tone down the rhetoric. All people who disagree with you politically are not evil. Then, advocate for an increase in mental health funding. Finally, and most importantly, advocate for reasonable controls on guns. Propose legislation that would: do away with the ability of mentally ill people to buy guns with no background check at so-called “gun shows” (really just unregulated flea markets for those who can’t legally buy weapons); stop the sale of AR-15s and similar automatic weapons; restrict places where guns can be taken (such as churches and schools); and establish a strong national database, with severe penalties for those in violation.
Trump: It’s a lot easier for me to just give a vague, meaningless speech. I’ll ask my speech writers to do up another one. After all, my base will forget all about this shooting in a day or two.