Author’s note: This column is a satire, but it could have happened. President Trump has shown his bigotry many times.
Ivanka: Daddy, you know how I feel about those women and children being shot. You said that you were going to do something to prevent the wrong people from having access to firearms. Then, you changed your mind for millionth time. Daddy, what’s with the guns?
Trump: Ivanka, you sound like one of those “gun grabbers.” I need those NRA votes. They told me that we already have great background checks. It’s just the crazy people.
Ivanka: But you said that we were going to do something about stopping the slaughter of innocents before they called you. Sure, we can raise funding for mental health services if you can get Mitch to do it; he hasn’t in the past. But there is a higher statistical correlation between states with high per capita gun violence and states with loose gun control. The same thing is true when we look at the USA versus other democracies. We have many more gun deaths per capita than any of them. We also have more guns and looser gun control laws.
Trump: Forget all that numbers and statistical stuff. That’s just fake news covering work by scientists who are on the government payroll.
Ivanka: But you control the government, Daddy. The funds are coming from you.
Trump: You just can’t do anything about crazy people who are the real problem. Eventually, I will tweet something really wild and then my media enemies will forget all about gun deaths. Meanwhile, we’ll just extend our prayers to the victim’s family.
Ivanka: I understand why you say that in public, but I know you don’t really believe. Anyway, our most religious states are some of our most violent. That’s another correlation. I’m Jewish and I am Orthodox; Jared and I do believe. And, I know the 10 commandments and you’ve broken many of them and that upsets me, Daddy.
Trump: Don’t remind me about you being one of them. You’re a natural blond; you don’t even look like them. You’re just lucky that Jared is one of the “good ones,” like Stephen Miller. Most of them are just darn traitors to me. Look what I gave to Israel and they still don’t support me. Over 70 percent vote for the Democrats! They owe me.
Ivanka: Daddy, we should all support Israel because we share the same values. Your big friends the Saudis don’t even let Jews into their country and women are subservient. Over the last 70 years, hundreds of thousands of Jews were driven out of Arab nations where they had lived for a millennium. In Israel, women like me are equals, not under the thumb of their husbands like in the Arab nations. Plus, they are the only democracy in the Middle East. There are even Arab Muslims who serve in the Israeli Parliament.
Trump: Look, I support Israel because I want the Evangelical vote. It’s much, much larger than the Jewish vote. And 80 percent of them support me, not 20 percent like the Jews. Why couldn’t they all be like my buddy Netanyahu? He just shuts his mouth and does whatever I tell him to do.
Ivanka: Daddy, you are making Israel into a partisan issue and that will only hurt that nation in the long run. Until you started this fight, both parties supported Israel. Now, that could slowly change because of you.
Trump: So what? By then, I’ll be gone from office. In the meantime, I need my Jew Bibi to follow my orders like he did with barring those two Democrat congresswomen that don’t like me from coming into his country.
Ivanka: Netanyahu is facing a lot of opposition. He’s been shown to have done a number of things that are unethical and probably illegal. The Israeli public is tired of him. He couldn’t even get enough support to form a government. They’re having to redo the election.
Trump: So, who really cares who wins as long as they support me? I will figure out another way to get the next Israeli guy on my side. I need those evangelicals to blindly line up and vote for me, ignoring my own morality issues. And, then you’ll see.