Fractured Fairytale: Snow White

I received a phone call the other day. I am always receiving phone calls from my fairy tale friends. These make-believe characters are unbelievable. That is a rhetorical statement, y’know.

The situations they get themselves into! Their lives, on paper (as in a book, get it?), are so seemingly perfect. Then just when you think that things are going to be “happily ever after” – like marrying a prince or something – you turn the page and they aren’t content after all. Maybe there should be something written at the end of their stories like, “…and the moral of the story is…” so that they will have heads up about their fate. Maybe then they will learn to think before they act, but they don’t learn. They just act or react with no thought of the consequences. As quickly as you can say, “Bibbidy, Bobbidy, Boo!” they don’t stop and think about the long term ramifications of their immediate actions. 

Who really knows what goes on in other people’s castles? But it can’t all be perfect like in the story books because when Snow White recently called me she was unhappy with her “Happy Ending” and needed to vent.

(phone rings)

LSJ:  Hello? Oh, hello Snow White. No, this is a good time. What’s up?

(listening)

LSJ:  Why are you bitter? You say you’ve grown old and need to live up to the fairy tale standards of looking youthful like in the beginning of your story?

(listening)

LSJ:  I know you are not a princess any more. You are a QUEEN! Think about it. How wonderful to have the wisdom, experience, and influence that age gives you. Not to mention jewels, crowns, prom dresses, and such. (Pause) Yes, I know princesses are girlish and queens are old. You can’t expect to be the fairest forever.

(listening)

LSJ: You are thinking about what? Having some work done to help you look fresh again? What kind of work? Won’t it be noticeable? 

(listening)

LSJ: No, it’s not Mirror, Mirror’s fault. Everyone would want to look naturally young forever, and, yes, it’s an impossible fairy tale to live up to.

(listening)

LSJ: Snow, at least you aren’t vain like the last queen. Didn’t Mirror, Mirror say it was exhausting to hear her ask every minute of every day, “Who’s the fairest? Who’s the fairest?” All she wanted was validation. At least you are seeing yourself for what you are.

(listening)

LSJ: I get it. One day you are the darling of the woods and living with seven men in a cottage who adored you. They hung on to every word you spoke and they catered to your every whim. Then next thing you know, you are what you are: old and no one listens to you. They dismiss that you could know anything at all. Ageism! I mean, you are older than me and I don’t even like it!

(listening)

LSJ: Oh, I am sorry. Did I hurt your feelings? Well, let’s get real, Snow. You were in your late teens in 1937 for your debut. I mean, it’s just the circle of life.

(listening)

LSJ: But I understand about having that adoration when you were young. You were definitely one of Disney’s “IT” girls. 

(listening)

LSJ: Well, Snow, think long and hard before you decide on plastic surgery. No, you haven’t become desexualized into a matron like Fairy Godmother…yet. But it won’t be long now. Remember, you are over 100. At least you still have a good personality and while in the cottage in the woods, you learned how to make all your own clothes and bake apple pies.

And with that, she hung up. 

Lee St. John, a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, is a No.1 Amazon ranked humorous author. Look for her on Facebook, Twitter (@LeeStJohnauthor), and her blog at www.leestjohnauthor.com. Her new release, “SHE’S A KEEPER! Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess” can be found on Amazon.com.

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