Thack You: Thank you Mother for ruining my life

Larry Thack forgot how to ride a bike

Dear Mother,
I can point to the two moments when you ruined my life.
You once told me of lying in the middle of Peachtree Street at 11 p.m. I spent a lifetime of recklessness trying to outdo your daring feat. I just don’t see how it is possible not to be somehow hit by a car as I’ve been multiple times.
You were very social and popular and would brag about staying up late, drinking Cokes, and talking with the girls. As a result, my diabetes has reduced me to wearing overpriced socks. As my addiction grew worse I was forced in time to resort to the cheaper Aldi-brand cola, which is the only pop on the market that instructs you to “shake well before using.”
It’s a miracle I’ve survived given the imprudent example you’ve set forth. Perhaps I’ll go climb the town water tower and eat M&Ms now. Of course, I haven’t the energy so I’ll just stand in the yard and let the lawn sprinkler cleanse my most recent road wounds.
So Happy Mother’s Day then. I shall have flowers and chocolates placed outside of your house in the street.
Side bar to readers: Mother has just recently informed me there was never any traffic on Peachtree St. after 10 p.m. when she was young. Probably due to some racist curfew. Well, it’s too late now. My lifetime of daring is behind me and now I just have the scars. It all turned out fine though, after all I run this town. From the Historical Society, to the Garden Club, and of course Bojangles – Let’s just say when Thack shakes his tin coffee cup it gets a quarter.

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