Thack You: Reecyclement

Larry Thack was knocked about by some tumbletrash blowing through the Speedi-Pig parking lot

The political signs around town are nice reminders to me of at least two things- That I forgot to vote, and that at some point I need to follow up on my pledge to run for mayor. As such I must keep building my platform with ideas that make me seem relatable and contemporary. This platform already includes the destruction of numerous ill-placed stoplights, a comprehensive energy policy combining wind, solar, and rubes, and of course I pledge to stop the tyrannical city manager’s use of the old courthouse lawn to sell funnel cakes and boiled peanuts.
It was explained to me that part of my vision should include reecyclement for the good of the environment and to combat global warmth. I’ve been personally recycling for what seems like months now and it’s troublingly fulfilling.
Here are some tips on how you can get involved:
Old newspapers clog our sewers and the inks used in production stain our teeth. Recycling an old newspaper makes sense. I like the one with Steve Brown on the cover urging us to plant lilies and mow our neighbor’s yard. I’ve probably read it a dozen times. I’m not missing much either – I spied the latest cover through the paper vending machine glass last week and it was the same eight guys from the VFW presenting a check to overprivileged rich kids. I do miss the obituaries, but that’s saved me quite a bit of time not visiting the funeral home. Besides I’ve always had a problem with the acts of “paying” and “respect.”
I probably drink two to three water bottles each day. When I did the math and saw just how much of an impact I alone had on the environment, I became very impressed with myself. Alas, as the leader of this town I must subjugate these feelings and reestablish the insignificance of each citizen.
Only a monster would use a drinking straw. I pass out recycled catheter tubes at local restaurants. The children cheer when they see the man with the latex gloves (me) storm into the dining rooms showering the patrons with the gold repurposed medical devices. I shall furthermore ban plastic straws from the mayoral palace.
Recycling isn’t just about putting trash collectors out of work, sometimes it’s about saving endangered materials. Like velvet. You used to see that all the time. Next time I get my hands on some velvet I can assure you it won’t end up in the trash.

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