Thack You: Please stop sneezing

Larry Thack’s “For-Profit Wishing Well L.L.C.” will be closed for repairs through April

This has been a tough year for those who suffer from pollen, and I sympathize partly but you geeks need to get it together.

There’s very little more disgusting than the sneeze. I consider it as rude as public urination and would be pleased if my fellow citizens might stop this clownish behavior of spraying us all with the contents of their noses.

The folks down at the Senior Center are the worst. They perform a variety of offensive sneezes.

One of them sneezes like a little kitty. Just a puff of twinkle stars is expelled in this cutesy-poo fashion. Whatever caused her to sneeze was certainly not enough of a foreign element to elicit a sneeze in the first place. I told her that style of sneeze would’ve been real helpful if she were pinned down in Normandy but in this town you gotta make it count dammit!

Another one of them has this clean, whistling sneeze that sounds very effective but she does it 8-9 times and you end up wishing she’d just choke to death already.

One of them scrunches her face and makes a click noise. The goal here is to expel whatever has intruded your system. It sounds like you just trapped it.

There is one guy who gets it right however. He creates fun words like awchoooee, murderousness and “Bleck!” This guy puts a lot of energy into it and always finishes by glaring in your direction. I guess I don’t have a problem with that method.

While we’re at it, don’t say “bless you”. If I knew you were going to put a gypsy curse on me I would’ve sneezed directly on you.

Nevertheless we should excuse ourselves from the room and sneeze in private. Yet another plank on my platform in my campaign for mayoral council-person.

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