Thack You: Oy, with the Girl Scout Cookies Again

Larry Thack is the author of “Chicken Soup for the Boxed Wine Drinker’s Soul”

The other day while exiting a local retail store I was ambushed by a Girl Scout peddling cookies. The wave of dread one feels upon realizing that a social standoff is likely to occur in the next few seconds is indescribably delightful. I used to come to these fights unprepared, but now I have a list.
Like the shrapnel lodged in my neck, I have burned this list of “Reasons I Cannot Buy Your Cookies” into my brain for all ensuing battles with whatever troop of scouts I might encounter:
• Sorry, they make my mouth bleed.
• I used to date Juliette Gordon Low- the cookies provoke bad memories.
• What’s your return policy?
• I’ll take a box if I can bum a cigarette.
• Fox News told me not to buy cookies from you.
• I promised myself no indulgences ‘til they investigate the 911 call center
• Last time I didn’t get a receipt.
• I’m under contract with Lorna Doone.
• Cookies give me foot hives.
• No thanks, I just ate.
• Is there weed in them? …..Then, no
So jk and lol girls! Keep selling your poison to the fools.




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