Thack You: Oh why don’t you just shut up

Larry Thack’s high school mascot, The Prejudiced Penguin, just had its statue torn down

Last week at the senior center we all sat around and celebrated Father’s Day without any children around for hectares. It’s just as well though – I don’t really want to hear how much it would improve my life if I got an iPhone. Come to think of it, I could use some more ties. We’re reenacting Sherman’s march through Fayette County and I’m in charge of tourniquetry.
It was time for our social hour and old lady Hammond led the group in a discussion regarding, “your best day as a father.” What a neat idea, but it turns out I was lucky not to go first. Just about every mossback in the room went on and on about the births of their children. I was going to say it was the day my little boy fetched me a Pabst. Some geezers skipped their best day scenario and went straight to whining: “How come we gotta go all out on Mother’s Day and they just get us socks and underwear on Father’s Day?”
I stick by the beer fetching as my best day. Other days include when Junior got his permit and could drive me home from the New Courthouse Tavern, as it was known at the time, and when Junior let me hide in the trunk and took the rap when I drove over that jogger.
Clearly I have things properly in perspective here, but to the birdbrains who think that day at the hospital was the greatest day of their lives, you’ve forgotten a few things. Remember the pain your wife went through delivering the baby? How about the blood, fear, and wailing? Maybe you forgot how dangerous all this was – that she might die? But you can worry about her on Mother’s Day I suppose. What about the baby? How about the possibility of having a kid without skin, no palms, or a tail? No guarantee on the baby’s survival either – that would sting. When you wake up from sleeping on the floor you have to help feed the baby now, which you’re extremely fortunate to do. Maybe it wasn’t such a great day after all. Possibly you just lucked out.
And for the fathers who complain about Mother’s Day getting all the attention – were you even in the delivery room? Alas, you’ll always be a father but if you don’t shut your mouth you may not be a husband for long.

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