Thack You: My visit to the pet store

Larry Thack can’t decide if he’d rather have a nice summer cold or quick stomach virus

For years I’ve been fighting to keep the birds out of my squirrel feeders, but they’re just too clever. I finally decided to give up and befriend these foul creatures.
I made a trip to our town’s Pet Mart to fetch a birdfeeder and some seed. The revolting smell of animals overcame my remaining lung when I walked in the door and I had to retreat outside. After removing the pet hair from my tweed suit and plugging my ears to avert the meow-shrieks, I took a large gulp of air and ran back in to forage for the bird section. Up and down the aisles I flew in search of sacks of seeds and tacky feeders but found nothing. Back in the parking lot I sketched a grid of the store and crossed off the parts I’d searched. Going back in I now find a new host of obstacles as the store is overcome by the town’s most ineligible bachelorettes being dragged about by their dogs and cats. I shrewdly avoided all these hurdles on my seven or so trips in and out of the store until realizing I’d completed the search. Shockingly, this store seems only to cater to the imprisoned animal. If you’re not trapped in a cage, bowl, or tank then you’d better be on a leash or inside a fence. Mortified at what I am realizing I pick up speed now and race for the door only to slip on one of the numerous puddles of urine throughout the store. I drag myself outside, defeated but free, and wipe my brow with a talon.
After this experience I drive over to Walmart and find exactly what I need. Oddly the smell and the urine puddles don’t bother me there.

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