Thack You: My Battle Continues

Larry Thack waits patiently for the arrival of his new slippers

Lately I’ve noticed a troubling trend. Many of the people I see on a day-to-day basis have begun calling me sir or mister. Previously I had thought of these people as my peers and contemporaries, but their subtle jabs at me with these offensive suffixes have left me alienated as I feel they’re only welcoming me into my eventual coffin.
But no! It’s not age that makes people grudgingly address me with respect. It’s due to the recent purchase of a cell phone holster. This is the equivalent of a top hat and cane in today’s society. This addition of class to my waistline definitely implies a sophistication you rarely see in our town. It’s quite the marvel of engineering too! My new cell phone holster has transformed my thin and sleek phone into a well-protected fortress, tripling its original size with layers of acrylic, steel, and leather. Now, I’m even more careful than ever not to drop it lest I harm the floor.
Possibly it’s because I now wear a bolo tie wherever I go. My desire to display a lifetime of refinement in these little ways is likely to blame for this newfound respect people seem to show me. Wherever I go in Atlanta, valets come rushing up like never before. It must be the tie.
After careful reconsideration I have found what seems to be the culprit: an uncontrollable crop of ear hair that sits like The Raven. As one of the world’s beautiful people (see picture) I cannot allow myself to go in this way but nearsightedness has made it difficult to chop away at such a sensitive area.

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