Thack You: My advice to our graduates

Larry Thack just imposed tariffs on Golden Chopstix in Hudson Plaza

May is the worst. Every couple of days you have to go to some end of life ceremony. I’ve had two graduations, a religious confirmation, and a tire changing. Here it is June, and I’m only now getting the chance to complain about it. I do like the encouraging speeches given by the town’s chosen successmalions. After listening to nine of these things I realized they’re not at all unique but structured on the same concepts: Go change the world, don’t be afraid to fail, you’ll probably regret a bunch of things, and some nonsense about the importance of family. Since these speeches are given by the two people at the very top of their class, I feel an additional speech is warranted for the people who graduated magna cum opprobrium.
You’ve graduated, now go change the world! Too late – most kids do that within the schools, right before ramming their head into the wall. Maybe you’ll really hate your job and can change the world at your workplace.
Don’t be afraid to fail graduates! Things won’t always go your way, but with each failure you must pick yourselves up and become increasingly isolated from society. Remember – everybody loves a loser – it reminds them how superior they are. Don’t give them the pleasure.
Go out and experience life! Your biggest regrets will be the things you didn’t do. So true, however…I really wish I hadn’t tried meth that one time. Also, I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t ask that pretty redhead out, until her angry Irish brother curb-stomped me neck. Seems like I only regret the stuff I did do – everything else I’ve simply forgotten.
With regard to this intangible family concept, there isn’t a family member I love more than my cordless blower. Every day I effortlessly clear the porches and walkways of my wretched hovel all while drowning out the voices and cries of people around me.
Good luck future reprobates. I’ll regrettably still be here in 40 years to confirm these truths.

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