Thack You: Missing Friend

Larry Thack awkwardly misunderstood the intent of Red Lobster’s “Crabfest”

One of my dearest friends has seemingly disappeared. He has not been at our McDonald’s coffee club for days, he’s not answering my knocks on his door, he has written no letters to the editor, he has not posted his usual complaints on “Nextdoor.”
My mind is beginning to create numerous tragic theories of what might’ve happened to him. I myself once went to the basement in search of some coolness one hot July day. I took a box of Krispy Kremes with me and was unable to ascend the stairs due to leg cramps. On another occasion I found an old casque of absinthe that I’d been saving for Matlock’s disbarment. Disgracefully that day never came so I played a game of power hour until the green fairies came for a visit. I enjoy the company of the fairies so much so that I didn’t leave the house for a week. Finally they encouraged me to go out and find more absinthe. Then there was the time I happened upon a case of Billy Beer I was planning to put on ebay once they invented ebay. Impatience got the best of me and I quickly funneled the case. Soon after I wizard-staffed the empty cans and fled to the woods in search of that door made of tree branches. I was incommunicado for a spell there.
Back to my friend – It’s occurring to me that he might’ve suffered a less interesting demise. What if he broke his hip and expects me to push his wheelchair around town? Perhaps he has pneumonia – that’s months of recovery.
When I remember his name I’ll tack flyers about town. We’re not that tight.

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