Thack You: Kid’s Meal Diet

Larry Thack adores Dora the Explorer while he disdains all Great Danes

I have been working very hard the last few weeks trying to bird-proof my squirrel feeders. I’ve built several structures, tunnels, and a trebuchet to make things easier for my squirrel friends, but the birds seem to be one chirp ahead of me at every peck. Keeping an entire species from eating is hard work and ironically I haven’t made time to prepare my own meals. As a result I have been eating out a lot lately at fast food places – I have gained seven pounds in this short week and consumed numerous tubes of heartburn pills.
As the birds continue to invade the porch, my weight gain is now fully out of control and it seems that liposuction might be the only choice to return me to my youthful figure. I have researched the procedure and feel that it might be too costly for me as I am on a fixed income and it will not be covered by Medicare. As such I will be performing the surgery on myself. Spring brings out the “do-it-yourselfer” in me and one day I’m pretty sure it’ll seem like Spring. After all, I fixed my own mailbox last week and this couldn’t possibly be more difficult. There’s a carwash in Riverdale that offers “free vacuums” and it’s right next to That Burger Spot so I can kill two birds – and I hate birds. I once extracted a segment of crayon from a child’s ear canal using one of these powerful vacuums, surely it can do the job. First I shall give dieting one more shot.
I tried to do the “Kid’s Meal Diet,” which is simply smaller portions as you would think. I was greatly excited going into this one thinking I had discovered a new plan that would help millions! A quick AOL search instructed me that I’d been beaten to the punch by Star 92.9FM in Burlington, Vermont. No matter, it could still be the answer. That night I treated myself to the spaghetti and single meatball dinner from a local trivia place that also cooks food. Puzzlingly, the sauce wanted nothing to do with the noodles and it separated itself into two tiny meals. The cup of applesauce they included did not pair well with the slippery noodles, but the individually sealed pat of butter was divine. I awoke at 3 a.m. choking on bile. I’ll try this diet for a few more days, but it seems like the kid’s meal might be scooped off the leftover plates of the other patrons.

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