Thack You: IconoComclast

Larry Thack is voting for whomever favors deforestation

I’ve got a lot of free time now since my house burned down, so I thought it might be fun to find a little job. I sure like climbing trees, so maybe I could be a Comcast repairman. I’ve always had a deep respect for the repair guys that work for Comcast. They wield such power and possess so much knowledge with grace and humility – they’re akin to religious leaders I’d think.

I was immediately hired upon walking into the office and given a desk job doing customer service for incoming calls. I’ll have to work my way up in this field before I can snoop around people’s houses. Not a problem, just working amongst these heroes is reward enough!

I jumped right in this past Monday morning. This is a symbolic first day at Comcast as we are told to treat every day like Monday in this office. After absorbing our daily invective from Cheryl, the branch manager, we got to work neglecting the concerns of our customers. My job at the call center is to route the calls to the technicians based on the priority level. For instance, if I get a call from some guy whose cable is down at 2 p.m., I’ll just put him on hold ‘til he gives up – there’s nothing on TV at 2 p.m. anyway. On the other hand, If’n that call were from a business customer such as a barbershop which needs cable for “Gunsmoke” episodes, I’ll immediately route the call to a service technician. There’s this one super-annoying lady who has called every day this week. She works at the newspaper and her name is Stockholm or something. What is this woman doing over there anyway? It’s a newspaper – literally the exact opposite of the internet. I can’t for the life of me understand why she even needs an internet connection in the first place! I’m almost certain she’s just streaming episodes of “Walker, Texas Ranger” which does require a faster connection for the fight scenes. Regardless of what connection you have though, Chuck Norris’s hands are way too quick and you really can’t tell how he immediately gets the upper hand on the bad guys. I’m constantly explaining this to customers. Anyway this Helsinki lady told on me to the city and I got in a whole heap of trouble – it seems the newspaper is heavily reliant on the online Thesaurus.

Cheryl has just informed us that she will be out next week on suicide watch and since I have the most complaints they’re putting me in charge. This is going to be a great week. I promised Cheryl that everyone will be disappointed. She smiled for the first time since I started. I think Cheryl’s gonna be just fine.

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