Thack You: Death Tips – II

Larry Thack lacerated his foot on one of his toenail clippings.

This is part two of a three-part series on death. This week includes tips for anyone who just lost a spouse.
As you know I’ve seen a lot of death in my time. Occasionally someone will die that I actually like, and it is in those times I have observed the best and worst in people and how well-wishers and widow-types interact. Although I’ve probably avoided more funerals by cowering in my hovel than I’ve actually attended, there is still some insight I’d like to share
Tips for Widow-types
• Seek comfort in the Lorde. Her new album’s actually kinda weird, but her old stuff fills any room with esoteric dread.
• Do not become withdrawn and sullen. Do withdraw all of your spouse’s money from her checking account and finally get cable TV. Do not then rent “Sully.”
• Do not roll your eyes when a well-wisher promises to keep you in her thoughts and prayers. If she catches you there’s a chance you will not be kept in either her thoughts and/or prayers.
• Start a pill collection, but remember to label the bottles. You don’t want to mix a benzo with too much alcohol.
• It’s a great time to sit back and look through your pictures. Organizing loose photos into stacks of pictures of your spouse and pictures of family members you’d rather have died is therapeutic and fun.
• When someone asks you if there’s anything they can do, ask them for a can of Coke. Then make a pyramid of your cokes. Then have a fainting spell into the pyramid. Have your houseguests rebuild the pyramid as you’re fanned back to life on the sofa.
• Have your kids move the vehicles of well-wishers and arrange by rentals that all look the same. Then mix all the keys in a large bowl.
• Make time for your alcoholism.
• Try to stay busy. Fortunately the system is designed to overwhelm you with new and unfamiliar tasks. However, If you’re one of those losers who can’t handle it and dies a few months later everyone will say “they loved each other so much they couldn’t be apart.” Win-win.
• Anything you do is okay as long as you follow it with the statement, “She would’ve wanted it this way.” This does not extend to wearing stripes with plaids or white shoes after Labor Day.
• See a therapist as soon as possible. Unless you have a “support system” full of condescending know-it-alls who are free of charge.
• Take time to stop and smell the flowers that are dying all over your house.

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