Thack You: Death Tips – Capital Eye

Larry Thack finds the ants that have moved into his home as worthy new friends.

I’ve seen a lot of death in my time. Occasionally someone will die that I actually like, and it is in those times I have observed the best and worst in people and how well-wishers and widow-types interact. Although I’ve probably avoided more funerals by cowering in my hovel than I’ve actually attended, there is still some insight I’d like to share. This is part one of a three-part series on death.This week includes tips for anyone who will be dying soon.
If you’re planning to become deceased:
• Cancel your Blue Apron subscription. With all the food your family will receive from well-wishers you’re unlikely to have room. A house adorned with flowers is comforting, but watching Blue Apron boxes melt into a pool of cardboard sludge is a little depressing. Also, don’t forget to cancel the other account you set up under a fake name to get a free meal. As good as that free Chicken Katsu & Miso-roasted sweet potato meal was, you knew Blue Apron would ultimately catch on to you.
• Don’t break the dishwasher. Your family is really going to need it over the next few weeks.
• Make sure the passwords to your email and bank accounts are all the same but also very different. Use your newfound heavenly powers to change the occasional password after they’ve already figured it out.
• Do not clean the house for the first time ever. Seriously, I can do that later.
• Have a dramatic Will. A Will is a psychologically weak thing to have as it is an admission that you will someday die. It’s defeatist and pessimistic and is anathema to anyone with a zest for life. As unfortunate a thing as it is there does seem to be some need for it, so why not have fun with it. Having the reading at an “Escape the Room” house is a good start. Make sure your attorney loudly proclaims the name of each beneficiary with a threatening glare before he exposes the pittance you’ve left behind. Always leave the bulk of your estate to something stupid like a tree that owns itself – people talk about things like that forever.
• Constantly make offhanded remarks about where you want your ashes spread that both challenge and endanger your survivors.
• Try to die on a significant national holiday – that’s just cool.
• Don’t say goodbye to your husband when he’s in the shower. When he makes a grunt noise it means he wants you to wait a few minutes.
•Don’t be funny, smart, kind, and attractive. This makes everyone sadder at the funeral.

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